I Need to be Honest

So, I was sitting in church on Sunday morning and got majorly convicted. Pastor Dave made the point that some of us go through our life and act like we have all the pieces together; we automatically put on a mask that hides the situations we are going through. However, we can never experience true deliverance from it because we are not being honest with ourselves and those around us. It makes it nearly impossible for those who care about us to love us, because they are trying to love the "fake us"

With that being sad, I am going to be completely honest. I have have been running; hiding my struggles and trying to find a temporary fix. I know what I am about to say is going to have people judge me more than ever, but if I don't admit to it than I would continue to run. Sometimes I get caught up in trying to impress those around me that I forget that this life is not about me. There is so much more to it. So here comes the honest part. Until this past Sunday I have not been to church since I stepped down as youth pastor. That has been since June. I have been running and hiding from my situation. I tried once or twice to go to church, but I had to leave before worship was over.

Can I be honest and tell who ever is reading this that it is one of the hardest things for me to admit, but my life has been pure struggle since my last semester of college. I tried to make up excuses but I never was really ready to face my struggle. So I decided to run and hide from it. I developed a lifestyle that I told myself I would never do. Do you know how bad I felt waking up at 12 every Sunday saying "maybe next Sunday I will go back to church." Then having friends who wanted me to go with them, but making up excuses to get them to drop the subject.

My inspiration in writing this comes as I am sitting here listening to Casting Crowns. The truth is that I have not been a worthy role model for anyone to look up to this summer. There is only so much that the human spirit can take. Struggling to find my self, and what my soul longs for.

Sunday I felt as though I came home. Sitting in that pew, standing and singing songs of joy and actually meaning it. It was a sort of renewal for my spirit. I looked around and saw people broken like I was, but demonstrating more faith that I could ever in my selfish nature. For the first time in months I feel as though I am ready to move back to what God has called me to do in my life. I know that He has a great calling on my life, but I allowed myself to go in the opposite way of it. I tried to lead a group of youth while I couldn't even deal with my own personal demons. You know there is something about blogging about this. It allows me to get things off of my mind. It lightens up my day.

Thanks to anyone who reads it,

Ron