I am not satisfied. Actually I hate where I am in my life. I am surrounded by unreal expectations. I am supposed to give, and give, and not receive anything in return. I want a way out. I want an escape. I am tired out non realistic expectations. I would say I am ready to throw in the towel, but I do not even think I have been given a towel to throw in. In the wrong hands, this blog post will destroy everything I have worked hard to create. Quite honestly, I don't really care though. If I could I would just leave and start over. I have the ability to create whatever life I want to live. Currently I do not know what that would entail. I have been called uncommitted. Told that I make too many excuses. That's a flat out lie. You can not make results out of nothing. Those around me at my church are not committed. when I took the job I felt fresh; I had a fire inside of me. That is not their any more. I have feelings of resentment towards the pastor. He has an idea of a fairy tale world where everything will be perfect in youth ministry. Quite frankly he is blinded because of this. He wants to make everyone happy in the church. News flash, that will not happen. I'm just furious. It is everything in side of me not to blow up over this. This blog is one of the few methods I have of blowing off steam. He accused me of not giving it my all. That's a lie. I sat there while he repeatedly put me down. I left feeling like garbage. Honestly, I am close to resigning. Giving up my dream of being a youth pastor. To me, it's not worth the stress of what I am going through. I have always been a selfless person. But at this moment I feel like doing whats best for me. What's best would be to step away. Step away before I lose any desire to be involved with any church. If he read this, he would be really disappointed in me. He would have something to say. But I would not listen to it. I'm not growing spiritually, and it's because of where I am rooted. Something really has to change, or I am going to just go crazy. It's not worth the money to feel like I am feeling. It is not worth losing who I am, to please an old man. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to anyone who reads this and is offended by it. I honestly never apologize about anything I say on my blog, but I understand that the words I say have strength behind them. I don't want to discourage anyone from being a believer, but no person should feel like this. So I ask you to tread lightly.
Unrealistic expectations...lead to satisfaction not guaranteed.
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